Have you ever noticed the same frustrating relationship scenarios playing out in your love life, almost as if your brain is equipped with some invisible “red button”? Each time a familiar situation arises, you automatically fall into the same thoughts, emotions, and reactions—even when you know from experience that they lead nowhere good. Most of us carry these repetitive, self-defeating patterns without fully realizing it. These are our relationship “schemas,” powerful mental maps formed during childhood or adolescence when our essential needs were overlooked or unmet. Over time, they shape how we see ourselves and our partners, distorting our perceptions and setting us up to make the same mistakes again and again.
What Is Schema Therapy?
Schema therapy helps shine a light on these stubborn patterns, helping us understand why we act the way we do. Instead of letting outdated beliefs and automatic responses run the show, schema therapy guides us toward recognizing what we actually need now—and how to get those needs met. By learning to identify and consciously reshape our schemas, we are no longer doomed to repeat the past and can finally build healthier, more satisfying relationships.
Recognizing the Patterns
If you’ve ever felt trapped by the same cycles in your romantic life, you’re absolutely not alone. Most recurring relationship trouble and even difficulties in finding a partner can be traced back to these unconscious schemas. Hungarian clinical psychologist, couple and family therapist, and certified schema therapist Petra Vágyi gives a popular presentation in Budapest called “Schemas in Couples” (Sémáink párban), where she uncovers typical underlying relationship problems and dating struggles—often rooted in childhood experiences.
Schemas appear in almost everyone’s relationships. They form during childhood or adolescence, often to protect us or compensate for unmet emotional needs. As adults, though, those same defenses can sabotage our happiness, tricking us into believing our thoughts and feelings are unquestionable facts. Until we recognize these patterns, we relive similar challenges over and over, responding to new situations with the same old survival strategies. What once protected us now holds us back.
Schema Therapy in Action
Petra Vágyi’s approach helps people identify and map out their own relationship schemas so they can begin steering their lives instead of running on autopilot. Her workshops use vivid examples to show how early wounds echo through current relationships, helping attendees become experts on their own emotional patterns.
The ultimate goal? To strengthen your healthy adult self—the part of you that can step back, observe what’s really going on inside, and make changes. Vágyi stresses that true progress isn’t just about changing behavior, but about understanding the deeper motivations, unmet needs, and hidden “scripts” driving those behaviors.
About Petra Vágyi and Her Work
Petra Vágyi has been working for years as a clinical psychologist, couple and family therapist, and ISST-certified schema therapist. She has also taught in medical and psychology training at Debrecen University (Debreceni Egyetem) since 2005. Vágyi has written important books including “Imprisoned by Our Schemas – How to Break Free from Repeating Scripts” (Sémáink fogságában – Hogyan lépjünk ki az ismétlődő forgatókönyvekből?, 2021) and “Schemas in Couples – On Relationship Problems and Trouble Finding a Partner” (Sémáink párban – A párkapcsolati problémák és a pártalálási nehézségek nyomában, 2023), both exploring why these patterns show up in our relationships and how we can consciously change them.
Tickets for her presentations cost about $14.
