If you feel trapped in the same old relationship patterns—constantly picking the wrong partner, struggling with commitment, or always ending up single—you’re not alone. Clinical psychologist Petra Vágyi, author and therapist, believes the answer lies in uncovering our hidden relationship “schemas.” These deeply ingrained, mostly unconscious patterns drive how we choose partners and react in relationships, often leading us in circles unless we recognize and change them.
Schema Therapy—What Lies Beneath Our Choices?
Schema therapy explores why we keep making the same mistakes in love, even when we know they’re not working. These repetitive, often self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors usually form during childhood or adolescence, when important needs weren’t fully met. If, as a child, your emotional needs were overlooked or dismissed, your brain probably developed protective patterns—schemas—to cope. Back then, they helped you survive. Now, in adulthood, they may be trapping you in unnecessary drama, insecurity, or toxic dynamics.
As Vágyi puts it, it’s like we have a hidden “red button”: certain situations automatically trigger the same old thoughts, feelings, and reactions, even when we’ve experienced the bad outcomes before. We often don’t realize it’s happening, so it feels like we’re doomed to repeat the same story, stuck in a mental “script” on repeat.
Recognizing and Overcoming Automatic Patterns
The whole point of schema therapy is to help you become aware of these processes. When you start noticing your usual reactions and the old beliefs underlying them, you can finally question whether they’re still serving you—or just reinforcing negative cycles. Schema therapy helps you figure out your real, current needs and gives you tools to actually meet them in healthy ways.
This therapeutic approach brings the theory to life by connecting past and present experiences. Vágyi illustrates the process with stories and real-life examples, making it easier for anyone to see how unspoken thoughts and childhood wounds sneak into adult relationships. By seeing the patterns play out, you start to become your own expert, able to spot trouble before it spirals.
Event: Learn Directly from Petra Vágyi
On October 18, 2025, from 5:00 pm to around 6:30 pm in Budapest (Budapest), Petra Vágyi will deliver a dynamic in-person talk: “Our Schemas in Pairs.” If you want to identify your own relationship patterns and start consciously stepping out of automatic, schema-driven behaviors, this is for you. The focus: strengthening your healthy adult self—the part of you that can step back, see what’s happening, and choose to change.
Tickets are $14. Don’t expect quick fixes. Vágyi’s approach, rooted in her wide experience as a therapist and teacher (from University of Debrecen (Debreceni Egyetem) to best-selling books), is all about digging to the roots of your behavior. Rather than just forcing yourself to act differently, she encourages exploring the motivations and needs behind your scripts.
Further Reading
Vágyi’s main books include “Trapped by Our Schemas—How to Break Free from Repetitive Scripts?” (2021), an intro to why self-defeating patterns persist in life and relationships; and “Schemas in Pairs—On the Trail of Relationship Problems and Difficulties in Finding Love” (2023), focused on relationship dynamics and choosing partners.
Get ready to break those loops—your healthy adult self is waiting.
